Excerpts From Recent Editions of The Royal Standard
Rumors of “Restless Dead” Debunked — Authorities Reassure Public: “Cambria Remains Vigilant And Virtuous”
By Derrin Lought, Senior Correspondent for The Royal Standard
Reports have recently circulated from the more imaginative corners of rural Cambria claiming that “the dead have been seen walking” — a tale which, while colorful, has been thoroughly investigated and dismissed by the competent authorities of both the Army and the Civil Guard.
Eyewitness accounts, largely from shepherds, cider-makers, and individuals of pronounced nocturnal habits, describe “figures rising from churchyards” or “strangers shuffling through the mist.” In several cases, the alleged revenants were revealed upon inspection to be intoxicated travelers, wind-tossed laundry, or the local postmaster returning late from the tavern.
A spokesperson for the Ministry of War emphasized that “no verified incidents of reanimated citizens have occurred in any district under the protection of the Crown,” and that “Cambria remains, as ever, a land of industrious living persons.”
Colonel Varnes, currently commanding inspection tours throughout the province, assured the Standard that “the Army maintains full readiness to address any and all threats, corporeal or otherwise.” He noted that new patrol schedules, enhanced lantern issuance, and morale sermons have been introduced “as a precautionary measure,” though he stressed that “there is absolutely nothing to be alarmed about.”
Meanwhile, the Civil Guard has been directed to investigate what the Ministry of the Interior calls “a minor episode of seasonal hysteria.” In a joint statement, the Guard and the Ministry reminded citizens that “the spread of false or unverified information likely to cause public disorder” constitutes a misdemeanor under the Truth and Tranquility Act of 917, and that repeat offenders may be invited to reflect upon their enthusiasm “in secure and sanitary conditions.”
Governor Kanwal, in his customary composure, addressed the matter during a press luncheon at the Governor’s House.
“It is natural,” he remarked, “for the imagination to stir when nights grow long and the moon is high. Yet the only thing rising in Cambria is the standard of living, thanks to the tireless efforts of our Ministries. The dead, I assure you, remain respectfully deceased.”
Citizens are therefore encouraged to go about their daily business with calm hearts and tidy paperwork, confident that the Crown watches over them in both life and—should the occasion arise—in perpetuity.
As ever, Archea endures: orderly, enlightened, and emphatically alive.
Heavens to Open Over Cambria — Experts United in Forecast of Providential Rainfall
By Livia Penworth, Senior Correspondent for The Royal Standard
Manchester’s Bureau of Weather Consultation yesterday issued a formal declaration of sustained rainfall, assuring citizens that the approaching week’s downpours are “entirely natural, orderly, and consistent with the empire’s broader program of seasonal regularity.”
The announcement came from Undersecretary Tulliver Greaves of Seasonal Equilibrium, who described the event as “a triumph of prediction, not intervention.”
“The Crown does not command the skies,” Greaves told reporters from beneath a modestly approved umbrella. “It merely sets such an example of stability that even the weather tends to follow suit.”
The Bureau’s official five-day forecast reads:
- Day One: A ceremonial drizzle, symbolizing the Crown’s mercy.
- Day Two: Expansive showers accompanied by northeasterly winds of bureaucratic determination (10–15 knots).
- Day Three: Sustained downpour across rural Cambria; citizens advised to remain indoors and contemplate civic virtue.
- Day Four: Thunder and lightning in isolated districts, attributed to the Storm Mother’s enthusiasm for orderly irrigation.
- Day Five: Gradual clearing with radiant puddles of reflective loyalty.
Unusually, all three of Archea’s forecasting traditions reached identical conclusions—an alignment heralded by the Bureau as “a sign of atmospheric unity under proper clerical supervision.”
- The College of Weather Clerics reported that, during a dawn invocation to the Storm Mother, the sacramental barometer overflowed precisely on schedule. Senior Vicar Paladine Mistmere interpreted this as “gentle affirmation that the divine cycle remains obedient to the calendar.”
- The Guild of Augurs confirmed the finding after a meticulous examination of forty-three migratory starlings. Their chief augur declared that “every spleen spoke of rain and every liver wept with joy.”
- The Society of Natural Philosophers, working independently, achieved the same result through “rational hydromantic experimentation,” a process involving glass spheres, charged wires, and several animated debates about vapors. Dr. Hadrien Knoll summarized: “Empirically speaking, the sky intends to leak.”
The Bureau has applauded this rare concord as “proof that faith, entrails, and empiricism can all point in the same moist direction.”
Citizens are reminded that unauthorized weather predictions remain an offense under the Atmospheric Integrity Act of 947 and that umbrellas exceeding three feet in diameter, or painted in non-patriotic hues, must be surrendered to the nearest magistrate.
Officials urge calm should flooding occur, noting that “a brief surplus of water is but the city’s way of cleansing itself of dust and dissent alike.”
“The rains are a gift of nature,” Undersecretary Greaves concluded, “and nature, being well-governed, knows precisely when to file her reports.”