Excerpt From a Recent Edition of The Royal Standard
Ministry of Sanitation Announces Triumph Over Vermin — Public Urged To Remain Calm
By Alfrid Pennecut, Staff Correspondent for The Royal Standard
Manchester, that jewel of the North, continues to set the standard for municipal virtue following the Ministry of Sanitation’s resounding success in Operation Purity Flow.
Under the judicious coordination of Sir Pervical Dandrige, Undersecretary for Civic Hygiene, the campaign has restored order and odor alike to the city’s ancient sewerworks. The Ministry’s official communiqué lauds the operation as “a textbook demonstration of inter-departmental efficiency and morale maintenance,” noting that three separate stamps of authorization were applied “without undue delay.”
Rumors of “oversized rats,” “mutant infestations,” or “talking vermin” have been categorically dismissed as exaggerations propagated by “individuals of mercantile imagination.” Citizens are reminded that any encounters with rodents exceeding the authorized dimensions of a housecat should be reported via Form 27-B, Vermin of Unusual Size, available from most district clerks during normal hours (excluding Holy Thursdays and payroll Mondays).
Sir Dandridge, addressing a press briefing from his office beneath Government House, commended his staff for their “unflinching dedication to the hygienic ideal.” Though acknowledging that certain subterranean passages beneath Divinity’s Rise were “temporarily hosting unlicensed fauna,” he assured the public that “these irregular tenants have been conclusively delisted.”
“Sanitation,” declared Dandridge, “is not merely the removal of filth, but the affirmation of civilization. In clearing the drains, we clear the conscience of the city.”
Governor Kanwal echoed the sentiment, praising the operation as “a shining example of the harmony between bureaucracy and bravery,” and reminding reporters that “wherever paperwork leads, heroism follows.” His Excellency further observed that the Ministry’s prompt action had “protected both public health and the sanctity of temple processions,” describing the event as “a triumph of faith, form, and filing.”
Officials downplayed “isolated reports of phosphorescent sludge,” explaining that the luminous runoff observed in certain districts is “an aesthetic by-product of successful sterilization,” and that citizens should consider it “a visible manifestation of cleanliness itself.”
The Council of Temples has expressed “profound gratitude” for the Ministry’s efforts, noting that the faithful may once again “approach the shrines of the Divine without impediment or rodent interference.” Several clergy representatives confirmed that recent hymn rehearsals were “unmarred by squeaking.”
In closing, the Ministry affirmed that “Manchester’s drains now run as clear as its conscience,” and extended its appreciation to “all personnel, clerical and custodial alike, whose diligence has once again proven that cleanliness is next to loyalty.”
Truly, the operation stands as a testament to Archea’s eternal truth: that no matter how deep the muck, the Crown will always find a form to file it under.